Your unexpected ally...
How to harness anger for personal growth.
“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it."
Maya Angelou
Feeling of this missive?
Well, this feeling can feel like an unwelcome gatecrasher. It doesn’t want to mind its manners, it wants to pull the tablecloth from under the place settings and burn the curtains.
But anger is a fabulous signpost!
Think about a time that you have felt angry recently.
Why was it?
Were your boundaries crossed; your values transgressed; did you have a need that wasn't met; or did something feel wrong and needed to be corrected?
It's hard to listen to our anger, so instead most of us send it away to the naughty step.
If we listened very closely to the whisper underneath, it would be saying things like.
I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel abandoned. I feel blamed. I feel scared. I feel ashamed. I feel frustrated. I feel humiliated. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel overwhelmed. I feel unimportant. I feel used. I feel criticised. I feel awkward. I feel worthless. I feel unsafe. I feel invisible. I feel scorned. I feel wrong for being me (shame). I feel misunderstood.
But we can’t hear that whisper until we have expelled some of that e-motion; that energy-in-motion.
Your body is trying to tell you that through the clenched jaw, clenched fists, clenched stomach that can accompany anger.
So, as Maya wisely suggests, work on moving it through - paint it, stomp it, poem it (shh, that IS a verb in my world), star jump it (watch the pelvic floor though).
Basically, the Cliff Notes on anger are:
Allow it
and
Move it.
We are rarely taught how to allow and move through our anger so that we can use it for the powerful tool that it is.
If we don't have the time and space to allow our anger it can flip into rage or 'beige'.
Rage is the emotion that will actually pull out the tablecloth and burn the curtains. It serves no purpose other than to destroy. Rage is like frustrated anger, blaming others in an attempt to try and feel better.
'Beige' is the burying of it, a deft flat-lining of the emotion and a Stepford wife smile.
Anger is the desire for something to be acknowledged or recognised.
If you have not been taught how to use it, what do you do?
Two options:
Bury it and become ‘nice’. However, this has a detrimental effect on us all, because by being ‘nice’ we stay silent. We may become self-critical, tearful or the victim. By not speaking up we prioritise the other person’s comfort over our own, doing everything we can to keep the peace. We become ‘love and light’.
Are you love and light?
Do you smite your spite?
‘Accept’ what’s not right?
Keep it trite In your aura of white?
Or do you go low Into your shadow
To try and grow
From what you think you know
So that you’re not just
A shit show with a rainbow?
Show our anger. What happens if we show our anger? Well, I can only speak from my own perspective: we become ‘the bitch’, or ‘hysterical’, accused of complaining and nagging.
Not exactly scenarios any of us are going to queue up for.
So what can we do to use our anger in a way that can effect change and communicate our needs?
Build your own ‘defusion’ toolbox. By learning defusion techniques you can process your anger before you speak.
EFT tapping is great for this, but there are many others, as I have mentioned above. (I also have a handy handout on this - if you would like it message me and let me know.)
Learn to tune in to the true source of you anger and gain clarity by asking yourself:
What specifically about the situation is causing me to feel angry?
What is the actual underlying problem here?
What are my thoughts and emotions in this situation?
What are my goals and what do I hope to achieve?
What particular changes do I want to see happen?
Who bears responsibility for what?
What actions am I willing or unwilling to take?
What consequences do I foresee that may stop me taking action?
Which of those consequences are in my control and which aren’t?
What support do I need to be able to handle those anticipated consequences?
Learn to communicate skilfully.
This will enable you to express yourself so that it maximises your chance of being heard.
Ride the rollercoaster knowing that it will flatten out eventually.
As you learn and practice these new skills, those around you may negatively comment on what they see happening. There are likely to be reactions and you won’t do it perfectly, so you’ll mess up, maybe lose some friends, need to do a do-over with some people, feel a bit of shame for good measure.
I know - what a ride!
As you continue to practice and improve in expressing your emotions and addressing the needs indicated by your anger, rather than attempting to simply give it away as rage often promises, you will start to dance with unicorns and ride those rainbows.
*Record screech.
Ok, I may have overstretched the promise a tad there.
Look, I never said that this work was easy, but what I can from-the-bottom-of-my-heart promise you is that you will start to feel less anger as you become more in tune with the messages underneath.
Why?
Because you will be able to take more constructive action to meet your needs and you will feel more connected to yourself and others as you intuitively know how to handle situations.
If you are thinking Jeez Louise, this is all a bit much I’d say:
First of all my name is Jacky, but let’s brush over that.
Hey! I know, but you don’t have to do it alone!
Let’s chat and figure this out together!
That’s it for now.
‘Til next time!
Jacky ✨