Unmasking perfectionism
This week’s feeling is perfectionism, which, if you ask me, isn’t a feeling, but it’s in Brené Brown’s book ‘Atlas of the Heart’ which is the muse, if you will, for this whole Permission to Feel series.
So let’s not be too splitty hairs about it, dare I say, too perfectionistic about the whole thing. Perfectionism is really a strategy to avoid the feeling of inadequacy, so let’s allow it in through the back door.
I’ve a slightly different kind of email this week. After last week’s email, in which I exposed *ahem* shared my shame about my book, I did, indeed, drag it out from the depths of a hard drive and have a look at it again.
This book is titled ‘Human Tricky Things’ and it lists 25 ‘human tricky things’, such as failure, comparison and unrealistic expectations and then offers 15 antidotes, like creativity, faith and not giving a f**k.
It just so happens that I had a chapter on perfectionism, so I thought I would share it with you here. The reason I haven’t gone any further with this book is:
Shame (see aforementioned email - what, you deleted it? Aah, shame… 😉)
I brought out my book ‘Stop the world I want to get off’ which included many of the poems I had used in Human Tricky Things.
I got busy doing other stuff to buffer against my… shame (see point one).
I’m now wondering whether to morph it into a different book based on these Permission to Feel emails.
Shame… actually, not that much shame, but doesn’t a list feel better when it ends at 5, not 4? Also, anyone else feeling slightly sick at the overuse of the s word at this stage?
And so, allow me to offer you my chapter from my book Human Tricky Things:
Human Tricky Thing #14: Perfectionism
There’s an assumption that
Consumption is the answer to our ills.
We stuff ourselves with anything -
From screens to doctors pills.
No being in our doing
As we march on ceaselessly.
We seek perfection, not connection,
But this won’t set us free.
The break throughs are there to choose
If we drop our masks and
STOP.
Perfectionism is the perfect (!) endless distraction from our unmet needs.
Rather than addressing the pain of those, we wrap them up in tales of not good enough (the core root of perfectionism and procrastination) and tie them up with pretty medicator bows of work, dieting, or exercise.*
The training for perfectionism comes from a young age as we are measured on how we are doing… well, from when we are in the womb really!
It becomes so second nature that we don’t even question it.
Our weight and height are measured and we are assigned to a certain ‘percentile’ before we have even had a chance to enter the world and delight it with our gummy smiles and downright newness.
Perfectionism's promise is: ‘if I criticise myself enough and aim to answer all those criticisms, then I will be prepared for any criticism that comes my way which will stop me ever feeling inadequate.’
'Being too hard on yourself’ belies a deep lack of self compassion.
I think that self compassion is not something that we naturally have, but is something that is modelled by those who take care of us. If we are told that we are too sensitive or think too much or we need to ‘man up’, how on earth are we to garner a modicum of grace for ourselves, and then for others?
We needed to have been told, ‘hey, that happens’; ‘I believe in you’; ‘you can handle it and if you’re struggling, let me know what help you need.’
We need our feelings to be validated by our parents in order to feel like we are ok and the world is a safe place to ask for help. That, in a nutshell, is what engenders a 'secure attachment', an inherent sense of belonging within the world.
When that doesn’t happen we adapt our behaviour in order to try and gain those very assurances. From a young age we may morph our unmet needs into 'good girls' and 'what a guys' to try and receive the emotional attunement we unconsciously crave.
As we turn our lives through a prism of other’s people’s opinions and criticisms, we are left with our fractured life that has no centre of us left, but just a reflection of what we think we need to be in order to be accepted.
I’ve procrastinated (a first cousin of perfectionism) as I’ve written this section. I’ve re-read ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown and ‘When Perfect isn’t Good Enough’ by Martin Anthony and Richard Swinson, because I’ve wanted to write the perfect summary and answer to perfectionism here.
Haha, see how cunning it is!
Perfectionism is all about striving to achieve; the importance we put on the outcome of achievement and raising the bar higher and higher.
If I quote other people’s books to you and write about psychological theories, then I’m not dropping my mask and that’s what I’m trying to do, to reveal the underbelly messiness of being human.
So here is the underbelly.
My perfectionism does not show itself in self criticism over how I look, what I weigh, how clean my house is or how many veggies are in my kids’ bellies each day.
It’s all about my mind. I dread the thought that the opinion that I have, or the understanding that I share is not enough.
The truth for me is that perfectionism is the ultimate denial of myself.
It shields the uncertainty, the confusion, the disappointment that I feel about myself for being human. For being vulnerable to the pain and shame I feel about the mistakes I’ve made and make, about not knowing how to engage in the ‘right’ way with people. More than that, it shields the pain and grief I feel for others' humanness too, because that resulted in me not being seen, being loved, in the way I needed.
We can’t think our way out of our perfectionism. Yes, there is the work to become aware of the messages we have internalised, so that we can start to dismantle them, but the nub is to embody the sense that, we are worth enough, just by being ourselves. Including the nobbly bits we try to smooth away or rub out, not in spite of them.
So how can we feel that sense of worthiness? I can only share what I have figured out so far:
Linking into our sense of purpose and self based on our strengths. For example, mine is: ‘I use creativity and a sense of adventure and humour to make a difference. I do this with gratitude, wisdom and a balance in my life so that I live healthily and thrive.’
Understanding how our perfectionism shows up in us physically. Mine, for example, starts with a tight grip-like feeling in my head, my breathing whips into my upper chest as the tension seeps into the back of my neck. My head gets cloudy, thinking foggy and I start to compare myself to what others are doing. This is the opportunity to breathe into the discomfort, to consciously reassure myself by saying, ‘hey, that happens’; ‘I believe in you’; ‘you can handle it and if you’re struggling, let's figure out what help you need.’
Observe the situation and get curious with kindness about your situation. Where has your motivation, passion and dedication tipped into a dread fuelled drive? What unmet need may be calling out for attention here? What part of you are you disowning through your perfectionism?
Know that each part you would rather disown is trying to help you meet that unmet need, in its own silly goofy adorable way.
That brings me on to the difference between fitting in and belonging… but that’s another chapter in the book 😉
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic, let me know what you think.
Oh, I'll leave you with one of my poems. It brings me encouragement when I get disheartened by my perfectionism.
That's it for now!
'Til next time,
Jacky ✨
*Little note - I’m not saying that these are always medicators - having a sense of purpose, being creative in the world, watching our food intake to ensure our health and exercising in a way which brings joy and endorphins and a sense of accomplishment are all very good. However, when we are driven to this actions because we are trying to escape the pain of a sense of inadequacy, that’s when they can become ‘medicators’.