The secret to belonging
Last week we splashed around in the shallows of perfectionism and how it is an act of disowning ourselves so that we may 'fit in'; fit in to social standards, family expectations, a sense of our ideal self so that we may feel 'accepted'.
When we do this, we are clearly not alone; in fact, social media capitalises on it.
INSTA-SELFIE-SATION
Please tell me that I matter,
Please tell me that you care.
Please admire and envy me
As I pose in underwear.
Like me on my Insta
And share it where you can.
I’ll take any likes on offer;
Even from that creepy fan.
You don’t see my face
In my selfie that I post,
But come on, let’s be honest,
That’s not what matters most.
I’ll do my squats to perk my butt
And tweak my cleavage right.
I’ll strut and pose, no face exposed
And check my likes all night.
‘Cos likes are what’s important;
Followers I must accrue.
I’m an Insta-Selfie-Sation
Fed by likes from you.
How do you feel about social media?
The compartmentalisation of our lives, whether that is the selfie of a particular part of us, of our day, is all about 'fitting in' - to the squares, to the word count, to the algorithm. Social media is a good analogy for how, when we try to fit in, we are handing over our locus of control to something outside of us. When we do that, there can be no true sense of belonging.
Maya Angelou said:
‘You only are free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all.’
It’s not easy though, is it to just go out there and be comfortable with our oddities? So instead, we try to fix them. It may be external, like the way a certain part of our body looks. In fact, Jean-Paul Agon, the CEO of L’Oreal was quoted as saying that Instagram was good for business as women need to buy more make up to look like their filtered selfies. Advertisers have been telling us for years that if only we buy or have, then, THEN our life will be perfect .
Then bring in our attachment styles. As infants, we naturally develop an attachment style towards our primary caregiver. This attachment style is influenced by how the caregiver responds to the child's needs. Essentially, children adjust their behavior to align with their caregiver's actions in order to seek emotional and physical closeness. When a caregiver consistently demonstrates emotional responsiveness, creating a nurturing and secure environment often referred to as a 'secure base,' the child is more likely to form a secure attachment bond over time.
In a secure attachment style the infant seeks help (usually from the mother), the mother provides help and when this is consistent over time the child has an inner sense of worthiness and perceives others in the world as reliable.
When a main caregiver is consistently emotionally or physically absent, or unreliable, the infant will still seek solace and comfort from them, but they cannot achieve emotional regulation. In this case the child adapts their behaviour and starts to develop different attachment styles because they either see themselves as unworthy of love and attention, or that the world is unreliable to provide it, or both. When this happens they are known to have an insecure attachment style.
Whenever we feel ‘threatened’ (this can be just feeling stressed or overwhelmed in our daily lives) our attachment system gets activated. If we have a secure attachment then we already have the internal working model to reassure ourselves, tell ourselves that we are ok. We can emotionally regulate ourselves with relative ease. If we don’t have a secure attachment system then, unless we do the therapeutic work to create a secure attachment system, we will look outside ourselves in order to emotionally regulate.
In terms of attachment, people can try and regulate themselves in one of two ways: either through ‘hyperactivating’ or ‘deactivating’ strategies. Thinking about social media, hyper activating would be through additional posting in order to gain more likes. Deactivating would just be the numbing of scroll, scroll, scrolling - a sense of coming to the party but not really taking part.
If we have trouble feeling like we belong we will try and at least ‘fit in’ because it is the best we can do.
A sense of belonging comes from a secure internalised state in which we are secure in our ‘okayness’ for just being us - warts and all.
When we don’t have this innate sense we embrace belonging’s poor cousin ‘fitting in’ in order to try and garner that sense of ‘okayness.’ The problem is, it will NEVER work because in order to fit in, we have to reject parts of ourselves.
I didn’t grow up with a sense of belonging. When I started my own therapeutic journey I didn’t even know what I liked about myself, which parts of myself felt like they could belong. It took time to be able to hear any compliments. It was so painful. I fell back on things I knew would gain approval, like academics.
As I started to like myself more, my defences came down and I began to get realistic about the parts that I felt shameful of. Facing that shame head on is how we come to accept (and even be thankful for) the parts of ourselves that we don't like, for they are often trying to solve an unmet need.
For instance, as I began to allow myself to share my poems, I started posting them on Instagram. They were heartfelt, sincere and insightful. Later, after relocating to Surrey, a different facet of my personality emerged, embodied by a character I dubbed "Surrey Mummy Says." This persona's sarcastic and humorous sayings came out thick and fast. I posted them all on Instagram, without censor because it was so much FUN. This character was a disowned part of me that was rebelling against the 'good girl academic' that had been an adapted part of me for so long. Surrey Mummy Says was sardonic, defiant and messy and boy, was she celebrating coming out to play!
I’m a therapist, I ‘should’ appear moderate, dependable... sensible even and yet here was this crazy character ripping up my Instagram.
I decided to take a breather from Instagram and figure out what was going on.
I asked my supervisor for her take on them (she had seen it all evolve). She told me that it had appeared 'uncontained' (kryptonite for a therapist) and chaotic. I sat in that session in deep shame. I made up that everyone thought that I was bonkers, unhinged, and I felt deeply humiliated.
AND I needed to go through that.
I needed to let that part of me have her voice and to hell with the consequences because she was this unclaimed, disowned part of me. Allowing that messiness AND the feelings of shame that accompanied was necessary. The next day after that session with my supervisor I called a few trusted friends to ask what their take had been on Surrey Mummy Says.
Some had found it funny, some, well, insulting, but the upshot was that none of them liked me less as a result, or thought that I was any less good at my job. And I liked myself more for owning this ‘unlikeable’ aspect of myself. Now my inner teenager feels heard. She doesn’t need to rebel in the way she used to, but I know if I need a truth teller, I can turn to her. This is belonging.
Was this experience ideal? No, but sometimes what we need to own isn't ideal, and we have to give ourselves the grace to hold ourselves whilst we gather in those wrangling parts that won't fit into a box, thank you very much.
It’s so vital to be familiar with and own the parts of ourselves that are not familiar - our 'shadow'. It stops self re-victimisation and keeping ourselves in a hopeless position. Instead, we get to see that - just like everyone else - we have good and bad bits, we are caring and uncaring, gracious and vicious. And thats ok... I mean, it's a pain in the arse, but it's ok.
As Carl Jung said, 'We cannot change anything until we accept it.' He also said, 'The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.'
Terrifying? Yes.
Exhilarating? Absolutely!
The secret to belonging
The secret to belonging
Is to let your longing be.
Don’t banish it far out of reach
Exiled far from grace,
Beat the rhythm of its heart
Trace the contour of its face.
For the secret to belonging
Is to let your longing be.
I continue to do my own work, to get curious because as a therapist I can only take my clients as far as I am willing to go myself. Does the idea of this terrify you? Or maybe exhilarate you?
Would love to know - either way, you and your parts are welcome, you belong here 🤗.
That's it for now,
'Til next time!
Jacky ✨