The road to recovery
Understanding why you can't take the wheel, but you can get more familiar with the landscape
The cycle of change (also known as the Transtheoretical Model) was developed by psychologists Prochaska and DiClemente after studying how people quit smoking - both those who succeeded on their own and those who needed support.
This model describes how people overcome addiction through five key stages:
Precontemplation | Contemplation | Preparation | Action | Maintenance
Let me explain with this car analogy…
PRECONTEMPLATION
Say your loved one is driving their car, the radio is blasting out music, they check their phone occasionally whilst driving, they’re hitting a few potholes, maybe veering off the side of the road a little, but they blame hitting the potholes on the poor state of the roads, the veering off is due to a pigeon flying in their way. NOTHING to do with how well they are paying attention to the roads or how well they are driving.
Now, could you imagine trying to flag up to someone at this stage that they have a problem with their driving? They’re distracted! They’re getting carried away with the music! They’re thinking about the message they’ve just received on their phone! An issue with their driving? No siree Bob, nothing to see here!
If you tell them what they should or shouldn’t do at this stage, that will be met with resistance and, most likely, they will continue the behaviour for longer.
CONTEMPLATION
Now one of the potholes they have banged into has created a puncture. They’ve started to feel the consequences of their driving as they fork out £250 for that new tyre. They’re still in a bit of ‘that bloody pothole’ mentality, but they start to take a bit more notice on the roads as they drive. At this stage they are not open to hearing ‘You need to drive differently’, but are open to details about where to get help for their blown out tyre.
Ambivalence and reluctance are at the heart of their thoughts and feelings. If you try and fix things for them, this actually keeps them more grounded in their behaviour as they spend time being defensive about their actions rather than having the space to feel the discomfort of the consequences of their actions.
PREPARATION
At this stage, they have suffered a few blown out tyres, have had a few speeding fines and parking tickets. They start to notice the warning lights on their car, as they have never been very good at keeping up to date with getting it serviced and now the car is starting to show the signs of years of neglect.
Your loved one is starting to think about driving more carefully and take better care of the car. They have some seeds of motivation and may be engaging in some ‘change talk’ as well as ‘sustain talk’.
Sustain talk is arguments to sustain their behaviour and change talk is comments about changing their behaviour.
Listen out for ‘DARN’ - Desire, Ability, Reasons and Need.
They may talk about
Desire: ‘I really need to drive a different way home to avoid all those potholes, but it’ll add 20 minutes to my journey’
BINGO - rather than focus on the 20 minutes of the journey downer and fixing that, ask more questions about the need to avoid the potholes and the motivation for them to change by driving a different way home.
Ability: ‘I’m not sure I can figure out a different way to travel home.’ Asking a question here of ‘Have you ever had a time where you have figured out a different way to travel?’ helps to continue to build their motivation.
Having a conversation with them about how they managed to do that helps to build their sense of self-efficacy (their belief that they have what it takes to make a change).
Help them see that they do have the ability to do something different.
Reasons: ‘I’d probably save a bunch of money and avoid a whole load of angst if I took that new route.’ Again, focussing on the positive consequences if they took this change will help to stir those seeds of motivation.
Need: Statements for feeling obliged to change: ”I have to sort out the car, I can’t drive like this anymore.’ This is a good indicator that they are ready to change.
ACTION
This is where your loved one actually takes the car to the mechanic. They notice how much they have neglected their car and feel the pain of the bills that are piling up in order to get everything fixed on it, but they know that they can’t carry on as they were.
They ask the mechanic for help, advice, talk to them about getting their car Winter ready, fill up the boot with a warning triangle in case they break down again.
It can feel like it gets worse before it gets better as they pay all of those speeding and parking fines, but they know that they will have greater peace of mind if they see it through.
I know that, in recovery terms, loved ones can get in a bit of a pickle around talking about how many meetings the addict is going to. Really, it’s not about the number of meetings per se, but the action that they are taking to recover:
Avoiding hanging out with ‘slippery’ friends who encourage acting out behaviour.
Going to meetings/ having mentors to hear how other people deal with their addiction so that they can learn from their experience, strength and hope.
Humility which leads them to ask for help when they slip up (they will slip up because addiction recovery is hard).
Tracking their triggers so that they can work on avoiding them or processing their feelings as they arise.
Finding appropriate ways to handle their cravings.
MAINTENANCE
Now they have fixed their car, take the time to make sure the tyres are the right pressure on a regular basis, enough screenwash and change the oil. They have their phone tucked away in their glove compartment, anticipate the potential hazards as they drive on the road. Sure, they may have the odd dodgy parallel park, but they see it as a chance to improve their driving.
Footnote: The cycle of change is called the Transtheoretical Model and was created after psychologists Prochaska and DiClemente studied smokers who quit by themselves and those who needed further help.