The presence of absence
A guide to healing emotional neglect
Do you ever feel a nameless emptiness that's hard to explain – like trying to describe the shape of fog?
Do you ever catch yourself thinking "I shouldn't feel this way" or "I must be too needy," while a quiet voice inside whispers that something important was missing from your past?
Do you find that these kinds of thoughts and feelings can be particularly acute at this time of year?
If so, read on.
Something that has cropped up with my clients a lot in the last couple of weeks is what a dear poet friend of mine calls ‘the presence of absence’.
It’s a phrase I often now use when talking about emotional neglect.
Of course, we can have the presence of absence when we experience grief; the way we miss our loved ones. Their look, their smell, the way they made us feel when we were with them are all instances of the presence of absence.
Such moments and memories are often recognised and understood by others. They have ‘form’.
The effect of emotional neglect, however, is an ethereal longing that is difficult to put words around.
A fog of lack that cannot be nailed down in words, only its chill felt in the body; a shudder of loneliness within us:
The effect of neglect is not named.
The shame left is nameless;
The choice-less left voiceless.
Left…
Hole hearted.
A heart shaped hole
Whose opposite cannot be found.
A whole nation of applause could
Barely pause the longing
For belonging
That neglect leaves in its wake.
Somehow, you are wrong.
A mistake of logic!
If only you could figure out…
The rules…
The cues…
The reasons.
No, wait!
You say,
I CAN figure this out!
It must be me.
For it cannot be
That they did not love me.
So it must be me.
It must be
It must be me
I must be
Too needy.
The effect of neglect can show itself as the ‘shoulds’ that rise up within your mind:
‘I shouldn’t feel this way’
‘I should fit in’
‘I should be able to receive love’
‘I should be able to be more generous with…’
All to protect us from the parts of ourselves that feel ‘too needy’ because somehow, somewhere along the way our needs were not met as we needed them to be.
We can want to run away from this realisation. It can feel like blame, a disloyal truth.
‘I should forgive’
‘I should be grateful’
Accepting that we have needs that went unmet can feel shameful.
But I think that it is a reality of being human. Not every part of us could have had our needs met at every possible moment and our age, situation and resources all play into whether this becomes a lasting wound for a part of us.
Within this intersection of presence and absence, needs and neglect, it is the perfect place to settle and get curious, to bring form to your fog, to tend to your neglected spaces.
So whilst the family gatherings are or are not happening in your world at this time, here is an opportunity to gather your own inner family.
We all have different parts within us, each with their own story, needs and wisdom.
Some may be quiet, hidden in a corner somewhere, fearful of being seen.
Others can be loud, demanding, entitled.
There’s another part that may have just felt indignant at reading that last sentence!
When we approach our parts with curiosity, it can help to bring form to the formless longing that our body remembers, but our mind has struggled to name.
Today, I want to share a practice that weaves together two powerful tools - parts work and the Human Systems Needs Wheel - to help us tend to these neglected spaces with curiosity and care.
The practices I'm about to share are designed to help you:
Listen to these parts with compassion rather than judgment
Understand their deeper needs using the framework of the Human Systems Wheel
Create dialogue between parts that may seem to be in conflict
Find new ways to honour these needs that serve your whole self
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Jacky Power | The Therapeutic Poet to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.