Setting yourself up for a drama free holiday season

Meet my No Drama Llama.

It acts as a good reminder that I don’t have to participate in every drama I am invited into.

When addiction is part of the family story, there’s nothing like the holidays to raise the fear that drama is around the corner.

You might have drama with a big D in your holiday season; the dramatic disclosure, the hospital visit, the police arriving.

Or maybe you experience more small d drama; those passive-aggressive comments: ‘Oh, you're actually joining us for dinner tonight? What a surprise’. The triangulation between family members, ‘Tell your sister if she wants to know how I'm doing, she can call me herself instead of asking you."

Either way, the holidays can leave you feeling rattled, ragged, and raw.

Do you find yourself rushing to fix everything, ‘upping your game’ to try and make everything appear perfect?

Or maybe you become frustrated and start trying to control everything?

These patterns aren't random; they're part of what psychologist Dr. Stephen Karpman identified as the Drama Triangle, and understanding them could be your first step toward a more peaceful holiday season.

Photo by Neven Krcmarek on Unsplash

Understanding Our Roles

In families affected by addiction, we often step between three distinct roles, and the holidays can easily make this feel more of a lurch:

The ‘Up my Gamer’ aka The Rescuer:

• "I'll just host everything and make it perfect!"

• "Let me explain why they're not here again..."

• "If I just try harder, maybe this year will be different..."

Sound familiar? While your heart's in the right place, trying to rescue everyone from their feelings (or rescue your addicted loved one from consequences) is a one-way ticket to exhaustion and resentment.

The ‘Blamer’ aka The Persecutor:

• "If they really cared, they'd be sober for Christmas."

• "They're clearly choosing drugs/alcohol over family."

• "They've ruined another holiday - typical."

Ouch.

When overwhelm and frustration take their grip, it's easy to slip into this role.

Shame and blame might feel satisfying to give in the moment, to release the built up steam, but they don't actually help anyone.

The ‘Self-Shamer’ aka The Victim:

• "This is all my fault - if I were a better parent/spouse/child, they wouldn't be like this."

• "I must be doing something wrong because nothing ever changes."

• "Everyone else gets normal family holidays except me."

This is where shame loves to set up camp.

Let’s be very clear.

You are not responsible for another adult’s choices.

Here’s your practical guide to leaving these roles behind:

The good news is that we can transform these roles into more healthy, productive ones.

David Emerald's "empowerment triangle" offers an alternative:

From Rescuer to Coach:

Instead of trying to orchestrate a perfect holiday or shield everyone from reality, step into the role of coach.

This might mean:

• Setting clear, loving boundaries about holiday gatherings.

• Offering support while allowing your loved one to face the natural consequences of their choices.

• Sharing your experience and hope without trying to control outcomes.

• Taking care of yourself first, knowing that your well-being isn't selfish – it's necessary.

From Persecutor to Challenger:

Rather than leading with judgement or control, become a positive challenger by:

• Expressing concerns clearly and calmly, without blame.

• Creating new healthy holiday traditions.

• Focusing on what you can control – your own responses and boundaries.

• Asking questions that encourage reflection rather than making demands.

From Victim to Creator:

Transform feelings of helplessness into empowered action by:

• Acknowledging your pain while not letting it define your holiday experience.

• Getting curious about what YOU want from the season.

• Creating new traditions that honour your needs and values.

• Connecting with others who understand your journey.

• Taking responsibility for your own joy and peace.

Your Holiday Prep

1. Get Real with Yourself

• What can you actually control?

  • (Hint: less than your anxiety would have you believe)

• What are your true non-negotiables?

  • (Not what you wish would happen, but what you absolutely need for your own wellbeing)

• Where's your exit door?

  • (Plan ahead what your limits are and how you will take care of yourself)

2. Identify your support network

• Line up your support people

  • (The ones who get it, not the ones who'll tell you to "just stay positive")

• Know your local support group schedule

  • (They are around, even on holidays)

• Have your self-care tools ready

  • (Meditation apps, journal, walks, podcasts, playlists)

During Holiday Events:

Instead of Upping you Game:

• Use "I" statements: "I need to step out for a moment" instead of "What you need to do is…'“

• Let natural consequences happen

• Remember: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it

Instead of Blaming:

• Take a breath before responding

• Ask yourself: "Will this help or just make me feel temporarily better?"

• Focus on what you can control - your own choices

Instead of Self-Shaming:

• Challenge those self-shaming thoughts: "I'm doing the best I can with a difficult situation"

• Create what you need instead of waiting for it

• Connect with others who get it

Your Holiday Sanity Checklist:

Before each holiday event, check in with yourself:

Which role am I playing?

Is it serving me or my loved one?

Practise the THINK method when your inner critic or anxiety rises:

Is your thought:

True?

Helpful?

Inspiring?

Necessary?

Kind?

Create a holiday self-care plan that includes:

• Support group meetings or therapy sessions

• Quiet time for reflection and recharge

• Activities that bring you joy, independent of your loved one's choices

• Connections with understanding friends or family

Develop responses for difficult moments

- When feeling the urge to rescue: "I care about you AND I need to take care of myself."

- When blaming thoughts arise: "What's beneath my anger? What do I need?"

- When victimhood creeps in: "What can I create or change in this moment?"

You're not alone in this journey.

The patterns of the Drama Triangle are common in many families, not just those affected by addiction, but they can change.

As you navigate this season, know that every small step toward healthier patterns matters.

Whether it's taking a moment to breathe before reacting, choosing to attend a support group instead of trying to fix everything yourself, or simply acknowledging your own needs – you're building a foundation for more peaceful holidays and relationships.

And remember, progress, not perfection.

That’s it for now,

‘Til next time!

Jacky