✨Permission to feel✨

🤨Envy🤨

Success, status, snazzy sneakers… the subject matter may differ, but when we are envious, the cocktail of longing, inferiority and resentment is something we all gulp down from time to time.

Envy is present when we want something that another person has, because we believe it will increase our happiness and contentment in life. Unlike jealousy, which is rooted in a fear of losing someone that we already have, envy is about lack and scarcity.

Beautifully typified in this poem, if I do say so myself.

Bitterness

I get it!

You’re clever!

Well done!

Whilst I swing my way through 

An obvious rhyme,

Your 

Deep meaning 

Brain steaming

Prize gleaming poems 

Last and last and last,

On published paper...

In bookstores...

Approved by agents and editors...

And maybe a reader or two...

I didn’t want a book deal anyway.

I wrote this poem after I had been to a book festival with the naïve hope of finding a literary agent. I had written 5 Fake News Fairytales which I thought were great.

I did no research on my audience, I just thought they were worthy of being published, goddamit!

Needless to say, I didn’t come away with any agents. So I do what I always do, I wrote a poem about it. Obviously I wrote ‘Bitterness’ tongue in cheek…mostly. 

When I find myself in that place of: ‘SO not fair, how come everyone else gets the lucky breaks?!’ I know that my defences have kicked in. 

When I got turned down this is what I initially told myself:

‘Honestly, can’t these agents see that I am special and different?! I know most people here have rewritten their submissions over and over again and spent YEARS on perfecting their art but, seriously, my first drafts should have been given a fair shot - can’t they SEE how brilliant they are?!’ 

This is PRIDE.

‘Who knew? There is a clear definitive way of writing children’s fiction that is based on ages? They say that the protagonist of children’s fiction need to be children?! Who made up these ridiculous rules?! Can’t you see that these tales are funny?! I’m breaking the mould!’ 

This is SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS.

'Just as I have finally given myself permission to write and put it out into the world! Oh I feel so vulnerable, so embarrassed at giving it a go. I know I shouldn’t have bothered. I’m useless.’ 

This is SELF PITY.

‘For God’s sake! Those agents were so young! What do they know? Have they any idea of what I have been through whilst they are obviously totally inexperienced in life. I HAVE BIRTHED THREE CHILDREN.’ What the hell that had to do with anything, I don’t know, it’s just an indicator of how low I was swinging!

This is BEING JUDGMENTAL.

Now these are all perfectly human reactions. I’m not a total loser for having these reactions or thoughts. They’re all just murky thoughts lurking around in my head. It’s only a problem if I stay here. 

Writing the poem helped to shift my mood because it was gently poking fun at myself, whilst also acknowledging my, urm, bitterness and envy.

If I stay stuck though, then I’m in trouble. No one is actually harmed by my envy other than me. Published writers are merrily signing their books to avid fans; insightful agents are signing up new writers who will make them a living; kids are reading books that are actually well written and understandable.

To get out of this is a process. I observe. I understand that what is going on is my defence mechanism. Great, useful at times, but let’s move on…

If I look at the scenario again, maybe there are things to learn about the art of writing, or myself:

‘Oh wow, everyone at this literary event seems to have really done their homework. Maybe I should think about who I am writing for and what I am trying to say, rather than assume that the world will be grateful for my contribution just because I like it.’

 This is MODESTY.

‘I never realised that the children’s fiction market was so defined. Ages 0-5, 5-11 and young adults you say? The protagonist needs to be a couple of years older than the reader? Yes I will go and read more children's fiction and see how I can adapt my ideas if I want to get them to market.’

 This is HUMILITY.

‘You know what. I know that some people like my work. Maybe I have just gone up a side street that wasn’t for me. Do I really want to write children’s fiction? No, what I want to do is keep on writing the poems I do. I love performing them when I perform at my local spoken word night. Maybe I should look into doing more of that.’

This is SELF ESTEEM.

‘The whole reason that I came to meet these agents is because I respect the fact that they are successful in their field. I have little knowledge in this field. They may be saying no to me, but they are giving me good feedback and helpful information on how to succeed in this field if I want to continue.’

This is GRATITUDE.

Defences come up because they help protect us from feelings; the feelings that make us feel uncomfortable.

How do I get in touch with the feelings that my defences are protecting? Why would I want to? You may ask. Well, because, the healing is in the feeling.

I have to ask myself:

'Is there something about these feeling and this current situation that is reminiscent of my past?’

Well what d’ya know? I was bringing some baggage with me to that festival and I’m not talking suitcases. From what had happened in my past I was carrying shame about:

• Having my voice heard.

• Sharing my creativity.

• Not being perfect.

This failure with the agents did not cause my shame. That was already there from hurtful episodes in my life when I had felt separate, alone and was not able to reckon that out with anyone. 

So there I am, disarming myself of my defences, facing my shame head on. 

Brené Brown describes this place as ‘The Wilderness’. Moments in our life, or even areas of our lives where we feel alone and vulnerable but where there is also a sense of purpose and meaning attached to what we are trying to do.

When I came home from that literary festival, after I had written the poem about Bitterness and felt sorry for myself for an afternoon, I got the idea of doing a show. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was my antidote to the shame I had carried about not having my voice heard, sharing my creativity and not being perfect.

None of these things I carry shame about are particular to me. They are universal, we all just have our own ways of getting there to varying degrees. The antidote to shame is connection.

Earlier episodes in my life had felt shameful because I had not had the opportunity to reckon out my hurts, embarrassments, and imperfections with someone who could offer true empathy. This is known as emotional abandonment.

Showing empathy is hard. It’s not about fixing, or reassuring or caretaking. It’s about being. It’s about truly being with someone and seeing the world through their eyes for a while. 

To get out of the Wilderness I had to reach out to people that I trust with my feelings, who could handle my shame talk and give me empathy. I now have people in my life who can offer empathy. I was going to write ‘luckily’ there, but actually, it’s not through luck. It’s through asking for help, through figuring out boundaries and learning how to be empathic myself. That has taken time and determination. 

What I learnt was that it wasn’t one particular person who could offer all the empathy I needed. I went a writer friend to help heal my writer disillusionment, another to heal old stories about not being perfect and a performance coach about trying to find my authentic voice. 

When we get curious about our envy, it can offer up insights into what our wounds are and how we can heal.

So what did I do about my envy that was rooted in my wounds of not having my voice heard, sharing my creativity and not being perfect? Well I wrapped it all into a show called ‘Light in Life’s Shadows’ which was a sell out show and THAT gave me the confidence to do a bigger show a couple of years later called ‘Stop the world I want to get off’ which I took to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and I decided to (self) publish THAT show into a book which, oh look, you can buy here.

So next time you feel envious, get curious, who knows where it will lead you?!

Thanks so much for subscribing. Much love to you for supporting me, I love writing for you so much!

That’s it for now,

‘Til next time!

Jacky x