Don't doubt yourself, your feelings, your way of seeing the world.
What if you started looking at emotions as renewable resources, rather than burying them?
What if you started to get familiar with what they are trying to tell you?
I've witnessed the detrimental effects of suppressing feelings firsthand, it often leads to destructive behaviours like addiction and self-harm.
But there is hope.
By embracing our emotions as valuable information and learning to navigate them, we can foster autonomy, authenticity and integrity.
I’m saying ALL of that to gee me up for the feeling this week, because it’s one I would MUCH rather keep at arms length, it’s...
humiliation.
Humiliation is the ugly step sister of shame. We are back in the camp of ‘I AM wrong’ - of being defective, defunct, delinquent; yet it has the added layer of bringing witnesses to the party to point and jeer.
Humiliation is shame on show; with someone else pointing out flaws… and it just doesn’t feel fair.
When we have humiliating experiences in childhood they can erode our sense of self as they gnaw away at our sense of self-efficacy. There’s a feeling of powerlessness when we experience humiliation - and that is intensely painful.
And this is what gets my goat, because I believe humiliating instances happen much more than we give them credit for, and they often happen in childhood, when we are less equipped with a well rounded sense of self to act as a buffer against those moments. Those moments may be excused away by others as ‘teasing’ or ‘banter’.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,
Surely, for teasing to be ‘ok,’ there have to be a couple of pre-requisites:
The thing that you are teasing someone about is something that the recipient can change.
The person being teased has the strength of character to be able to play along. i.e. capable of self-compassion.
Just for the record, I am not a fan of teasing or ‘banter’. There is plenty of fun to be had without making someone descend into their shame like a little hermit crab whilst we all look on and point fingers (or claws).
In fact, I see such behaviour as bullying.
When I was little
I used to wave
EVERY TIME
I drove by
THAT HOUSE
In that house
LIVED A GIRL
Who bullied me.
SHE BULLIED ME
AND I WAVED.If only I could reach
Back and whisper:
‘Stop waving.
Honey,
SHE DOESN'T
SEE YOU.Stop waving.”
No one
Taught me
How to
STOP WAVING.
Some of the things that people say in response to bullying are, ‘I’m sure they didn’t mean it’ or ‘just ignore it’. Yet this adds to the sense of powerlessness, which compounds the feelings of injustice and humiliation.
This lack of a sense of being witnessed in our own pain makes us double down, try harder. We try to gain a sense of control in the only way we know how. 'If only I wave harder, or in the right way, then they will change and wave back!'
We need people to teach us how to stop waving.
Yet this isn't easy, even when we have teachers by our side.
It can go against our caring nature to stop giving someone a second (3rd, 4th, 5th) chance.
So, hey, if this resonates, stop waving.
Don't doubt yourself, your feelings, your way of seeing the world.
OK, so what is the benefit of allowing ourselves to acknowledge those moments of humiliation?
We can learn to establish boundaries.
We can recognise where we may be in self-destructive loops of trying to appease those that harm us.
We can learn to seek out people who can help witness our humiliation and offer empathy.
We can grieve the young part of us that wasn't protected.
If you would like to dive deeper into this topic then please check out my podcast episode with author Jenny Alexander, author of 'When your child is bullied'.
And remember, one person's weird is another person's wonder.
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