Navigating the In-Law Minefield

This weekend is Father's Day, and I'm delighted to say that this poem which I wrote for Father's Day was played this week on BBC Radio in the South East as part of BBC Upload, which is a platform by the BBC for people to showcase their creativity.

This all ties in very nicely with one of the requests I received this week in reply to my question about what relationship challenges you are navigating… and that's how to handle difficult in-law relationships.

What a whopper.

Photo by Daniel K Cheung on Unsplash

Any relationship can be tricky enough, but those with in-laws have extra dimensions of expectations, possible divided loyalties and unspoken rules. So how can you maintain your wellbeing within this complex combination?

Maybe when you got together with your partner you were hopeful that their family would become the 'family you never had'. I mean, you loved them, right? So surely you're going to love their family too!

But a family is not just a family. It's a system. Where, alright, there may be a squeaky wheel or a piston that always seems to break down, but everyone automatically fulfils their role. This isn't something that is overtly spoken about; you're just meant to know.

And then in you tootle. With your own values, boundaries, communication style and, let's face it, baggage. If you don't find a way to run with the current system, you can quickly become 'the problem'. Yes, the wheel and piston are dodgy - you can see that, but the point of the matter is that over time, the system has made allowances for that. So whilst it may not be ideal, there is a general consensus that it's ok, that it's always been this way and everyone has still motored on happily enough.

These systems operate on unspoken rules. Rules like "We don't talk about how Johnny has dropped out of college for the third time," "Mum's drinking isn't something to discuss," "Let’s keep up appearances," or "The only one who does emotions is Marie, and we all agree, she's a mess."

If you don't learn these rules and play along or, God forbid, if you try to change them, the family system will do all it can to make sure it isn't derailed.

How? Read on to these five common problems within family systems:

Problem 1: The Drama Triangle

Many families organise themselves around what's known as the drama triangle - where everyone rotates between being the Victim, the Rescuer, and the Persecutor.

As the new in-law, you're likely to be cast in one of two roles - the Persecutor:- the disruptive outsider who's threatening the family's delicate balance, or the Rescuer, with a 'Thank God you've arrived to deal with our child' energy. Either way, your spouse becomes the Victim, caught between conflicting loyalties.

The moment you start defending yourself against being labeled in any way as ‘needy’ or ‘sensitive’, or trying to fix problems that frankly aren't yours to fix, you've taken the bait and entered the triangle.

Photo by said alamri on Unsplash

Problem 2: Triangulation

Do you find your mother-in-law shares her disapproval of your career choice with your spouse rather than addressing her concerns directly with you?

Are you sometimes prone to complain about your father-in-law's desire to control everything with your partner, rather than making a direct challenge?

This, my friends, is triangulation.

The subtext being, 'You tell so and so, they listen to you.'

Instead of two people addressing their conflict directly, a third person gets pulled in to carry messages, take sides, or absorb the emotional overflow. Instead of getting to grips with hard conversations, someone is brought in to manage the family anxiety.

Your spouse sharing intimate details about your marriage with their parents? Triangulation.

Being asked to relay messages between family members who aren't speaking? Triangulation.

Finding out through your sister-in-law that your father-in-law is upset about something you did six months ago?

Sing it loud and sing it proud! Triangulation.

We can be prone to step in and either gossip along (it's nice to feel in the 'in-crowd' in a situation) or offer solutions to try and fix the situation. However, these often backfire, and you find yourself quickly relegated to the Persecutor role once again.

Problem 3: Split Loyalties

Battles of 'I love him more' or 'You listen to them more' only contribute to a tug of war where your partner is that little white flag being tugged to and fro. All they want to do is wave themselves high in surrender. Surrender that often looks like giving in to one side, as they face accusations of disloyalty from their family when they support your boundaries, and feel guilty when they can't fully stand up to family pressure. Or maybe (a bitter pill to swallow) they stay firmly under that familial wing and contribute to your sense of being scapegoated.

In dysfunctional family systems, guilt is used to coerce people into accepting unacceptable behaviour. I have been on the end of the 'Just forgive them' lecture. The 'You only have one (family member)' speech. The message is clear: true family members never set boundaries, never prioritise their needs, and never question family traditions, no matter how toxic they might be. The fundamental rule being: don’t upset the system.

To this, it is helpful if someone in the family system can say:

Let's agree to disagree
About what you think is best for me
That 'life's too short to bear a grudge'
And I'm 'too stubborn' and just 'won't budge'

But what you see as insubordination
Is a gathering in, a reclamation
Of my worth, my power, my sovereignty
Where I know and do what's right for me.

That so called grudge is my boundary
That stubbornness my integrity
So whilst I hear you pity me,
Let's agree to disagree.

Problem 4: "If You Spot It, You've Got It"

Gosh darn it, here's where it gets a tad hot under the collar. The behaviours that trigger us most intensely in our in-laws often mirror something within ourselves -learned patterns, unhealed wounds, or aspects of our personality we'd rather not acknowledge.

If your mother-in-law's need to control every family gathering makes your blood boil, it might be worth examining your own relationship with control. If your father-in-law's criticism cuts particularly deep, it may be worthwhile reflecting on whether you struggle with perfectionism or have a harsh inner critic.

I know, bummer.

Photo by Marten Newhall on Unsplash

The bottom line is, we are all human with different ways of adapting to try and get our needs met.

Problem 5: Boundary Violations and System Resistance

When you try to set healthy boundaries with in-laws, you're not just expressing personal preferences - you're challenging unspoken family rules that have operated for decades. The system will push back through guilt trips, threats of exclusion, or attempts to involve your spouse in pressuring you to return to previous patterns.

These violations might include unannounced visits, unsolicited parenting advice, sharing your personal information with other family members, or demanding your participation in family traditions that don't align with your values. The family system treats these boundaries as threats to its very existence and will work overtime to restore the familiar equilibrium.

The pushback can be intense because you're essentially asking a decades-old system to change its fundamental operating procedures. Expect resistance that feels disproportionate to the reasonable limits you're trying to set.

I’m not going to leave you there in despair my little chickadees, here are some ideas about what you can do about it.

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Solution 1: Refuse to Play the Drama Triangle

This means not accepting the position of Persecutor when you set boundaries, not trying to Rescue family members from their own choices, and not positioning yourself as a Victim when facing family resistance. When someone tries to cast you in a role, respond with calm neutrality: "That sounds like something between you and them" or "I'm not comfortable getting involved in that."

And play that on repeat. Although it is intensely awkward to begin with, people soon get the message. They may have a bit of a reaction at first, so stand firm and they will get the idea.

The goal is to step outside the triangle entirely and model healthier ways of interacting that don't require drama to function.