Permission to feel: Love
Navigating the Art of Rupture and Repair: Embracing Imperfection in Healthy Relationships
And so we come the final instalment of our little foray into healthy love which started with Martin’s request when I asked you all what kind of love you would like me to cover. Be careful what you wish for hey Martin? 😂
The final thing that I believe we need when we are talking about love is the ability for rupture and repair.
I’m heading straight into a poem for this one, oh yes I am, here we go…
I’m sitting here and thinking through
all the things I didn’t do
and wondering if I’d my time again,
what I’d do to make amends.
I’d hold you closer when you were born.
I’d make sure you didn’t fall.
I’d be available all the time,
I’d answer your every call.
I’d be firm in my boundaries
as much as in my love.
I’d tell you every day that
you are more than just enough.
I’m sitting here and wondering how
that would have helped to change our now,
but I know that those amends would bring
different struggles to bear;
different ways I'd let you down
whilst you’d been in my care.
So I sit here beside you,
for when you need me by your side,
and I’m sure I’ll get it wrong again
and it won’t be good enough that I’ve tried.
But I’ll try again and try again,
until my dying day,
to help you find your light again:-
to help you find your way.
Whilst the sentiment of this poem may seem sweet and caring and giving…does it also slightly give you the ick? Hmm, me too.
I wrote this poem when I was in the thick of it with one of my kids. They were going through a tough time and I wrote this to help me process what was going on.
But why the ick? Well, I’ve kind of made it all about ME.
I’ve let my guilt, my sense of inadequacy get in the way of actually saying, ‘Tell me more’.
‘Until my dying day’?! Wow, that’s laying it on thick. And what a responsibility I’m laying at my kid’s feet! I’m basically saying I’ll be ok when you’re ok. I’m being a martyr to the cause. Where are my boundaries people?! Where do I end and where does he begin?
He doesn’t need to know what I’m feeling when I’m in my guilt, inadequacy and despair, he needs to know that I am there for him, to connect with him.
We cannot connect with someone during a rupture until we have regained our sense of self, which can get knocked off balance when there is a rupture.
Don’t worry, I didn’t sit him down and read this poem out to him, although to be honest when I was in the thick of it I was tempted.
You see, me writing this poem was my way of processing my feelings around what was going on for him in my OWN space before trying to connect with him.
It’s the way in which I wrestle with my limiting beliefs and past wounds so that I can regain a more secure footing about myself.
A rupture happens when there is conflict, hurt or disagreement. It can be a misunderstanding about how someone is feeling, it can be when you’ve lost your schizazzle (technical term), when you just get SO ANNOYED AT ALL THE THINGS and you SHOUT about how you are not RESPECTED.
*Ahem*
A rupture is when there is a lack of emotional attunement between two people.
With the example of that poem, there could have been a double whammy rupture; that of my child feeling hurt and then me making it all about me.
Despite all the things that we can ‘know’ about how to have a healthy relationship, it doesn’t mean we’ll do it perfectly.
It doesn’t mean we love others in a healthy way all the time, or that they love us in a healthy way all the time either.
Because to love healthily all of the time is a myth.
Ruptures happen in relationships, it’s part of being human. In fact, ruptures are part of a healthy relationship, because because they show that each person has awareness of themselves as individuated beings.
I think the commitment to repair the harm is not a get out of jail free card, but it could be a throw of the dice that may lead to ‘Pass go, collect £200'. I wish I had a neat way of tying the word monopoly into this little bit now, but I don’t - sorry.
That reminds me, saying ‘sorry’ is not a repair.
So how do we repair?
Well spoiler alert, I kind of mentioned it in my post last week, but let me share more here with this poem.
To repair we need:
‘Oh no, how so?’ - Acknowledging the hurt and emotionally connecting with the person.
‘Let the tears flow, have a good old blow’ - giving space to name what has happened.
No ‘out you gos’ or ‘tell and shows’ - don’t offer fixes or solutions, lean in to listening to them, own your role in what has happened if needs be, don’t deflect.
It also most likely requires an amend, which is different to an apology.
An apology doesn’t repair the rupture, it just acknowledges some wrongdoing.
An amend is where you take action to mend the rupture.
This means that, through understanding your role in the rupture you are able and willing to change your behaviour or approach for the benefit of restoring the balance in the relationship.
Now we’re not saints, we may well be triggered into our own stuff before we can do this which is why we may need to go away and write a poem before we can sit down and have a talk like this 🙋🏻♀️.
Repair is not a quick fix, it’s a process, if you’re in a hurry to have it all tied up in a bow you may end up a tad frustrated, which can bring additional problems.
Part of this process may require you to be ok in the discomfort that the repair isn’t as neat or tidy as you’d like.
It’s not a linear process, think of it more like a rolling circle; things may need to be revisited, issues may return, but progress is still being made when you are in the effort of repair.
After all, the aim is progress, not perfection.
What do you think? How proficient do you feel you are at making repairs after a rupture? When I type it out like this it can feel like an awful lot of WORK, but it’s like exercising a new muscle. It can feel tiresome as we begin to tone up our skills, but before long it can become second nature.
For the record though, it’s never perfect!
Thanks as ever for reading. If you find my writing helpful and informative, did you know that you that you could do some good today just be sharing my @substack as a referral? And there’s something in it for you! Depending on how many people subscribe based on your referral you can gain complimentary access to my paid posts.
That’s it for now,
‘Til next time
Jacky x