Liberating loneliness
Welcome to my weekly 'Permission to Feel' email. Have you ever felt lonely? Chances are you have, because you are human.
This email, then, is for you.
A few years ago we moved house; out of the area enough to still be in vague contact with old friends, but not for pop-in cuppas. For a while I was content, setting up the new home, getting the kids settled, but after a few months I realised I was quite lonely, as I didn’t know people in my immediate neighbourhood.
I arranged a meet up with some kids and their parents from one of my son’s old schools and as we were catching up over a coffee I mentioned feeling lonely to one of the mums. She immediately looked uncomfortable and changed the subject.
It hit me that talking about feeling lonely is still pretty taboo.
Loneliness is not about being alone.
It is possible to be alone and not feel lonely - this is solitude.
Loneliness is subjective.
It’s possible to feel lonely in a room full of people.
I AM LONELY
Invitations to events (still waiting for mine).
Acting as if It doesn’t really matter (but it does).Meeting a ‘how are you’ with ‘fine’ (but wishing they’d ask more).
Looking at myself in the mirror (asking how did it come to this?).Opening my mouth to say how I feel (but closing it again, because I can’t find the right words).No one to tell ‘I fed the dog’ (or not even having a dog).Edging on the periphery of conversations (I’m not a part of).Looking at groups of other people (and asking myself, what do they have that I don’t?).Yearning to be someone’s ‘sight for sore eyes’ (but we no longer even speak).Not only is loneliness emotionally painful, it also causes physical pain. When we feel lonely we have a physiological reaction, because it is a threat to our survival. As G. Rizzolatti, a neuroscientist says
“We are social beings. Our survival depends on our understanding the actions, intentions, and emotions of others. Mirror neurons allow us to understand other people’s mind, not only through conceptual reasoning but through imitation. Feeling, not thinking.”
In his book ‘Together’ Vivek H. Murthy former surgeon general of the US says,
‘Loneliness is the natural signal that reminds us when we need to connect with other people.’
That’s it. It’s natural, it’s a signpost.
Weiss (1973) found that loneliness takes on two distinct forms due to whether it’s as a result of an absence of an intimate companion (emotional loneliness) which can be experienced as feelings of desperation, or a lack of friends (social loneliness) which can be experienced as ‘restless boredom’.
In 2010 Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, professor of psychology and neuroscience published findings on her research into social relationships and mortality risk. Her study concluded that people with strong social relationships are 50% less likely to die prematurely than people with weak ones. The effect that weak social connections can have on physical health is equivalent to the risk of smoking 15 cigarettes per day!
When we feel lonely stress responses are triggered so that we release cortisol. Whilst a quick release of cortisol is good in short term stressful situations, loneliness is a chronic situation. This means that there is an elevated amount of cortisol in our body for a prolonged amount of time. This has a negative impact on our body; hyperglycaemia, decreased bone density, back injuries caused by increased inflammation.
In short, loneliness is a threat to our survival and our bodies kick in with their threat response. Our sleep becomes affected as our brain is hypervigilant to threat. At night lonely people have many micro awakenings which means they sleep poorly.
Yet, trying to engender meaningful social relationships is not a level playing field. Our attachment style affects how we perceive and relate to others.
If we have a caregiver as a child that is emotionally attuned and responsive, then we may grow up with a secure attachment style; an internalised view ourselves and the world which sees ourselves as worthy of love and attention and the world as a safe and secure place to ask for, and receive, that love and attention.
However, parenting is an imperfect art and if the main caregiver is not attuned in this way then a child can develop an anxious, avoidant or disorganised attachment. In varying ways, the internalised view here is that either the child is not worthy of love and attention, the world is not a safe place to ask for that love and attention, or both.
People with non-secure attachments may be hyper-vigilant - perceiving the mindlessness of another as personal sleight or avoidant, in fear of being emotionally engulfed by another.
Loneliness begets loneliness.
When we feel lonely we may see others socialising and withdraw further, rather than trying to join in. We fear being seen as defective, weak, or a bit of a loser, so we hide how we feel. Shame and fear feed into the cycle.
So for starters, here’s a few things to note:
Loneliness is NORMAL, it is part of the human experience as we are wired to be socially connected. It’s not your ‘fault’, you’re not ‘wrong’ for feeling this way.
Sharing that you are lonely is vulnerable AND a start to changing how you feel. However, share it with someone who will ‘get it’ and can give you the support you need rather than with someone who will try to ‘fix it’ by telling you to join a club (that can be helpful, but to get to the root of loneliness you just need to explore what you feel and why).
Spending a bit of time identifying the gaps in social connections will help you figure out what you need.
Emotional loneliness happens when we do not feel able to show our whole emotional selves. Figuring out what it is that you can’t or daren’t share about yourself is the first step to addressing this.
If this resonates, then I'd love hear from you. Let's liberate the loneliness!
That's it for now,
'Til next time,
Jacky x