Introducing: Beyond 'I'm FINE'
For Families In Need of Encouragement
I sat in an addiction conference recently, my heart heavy.
As both an advanced addiction practitioner and a family member, I found myself feeling deeply uncomfortable with how addiction professionals sometimes talk about families affected by addiction.
Whilst those struggling with addiction are often gaining more empathic understanding for what they are going through, it seems that there is still so much prejudice and stigma for those who love them, even within the ‘addiction industry’.
That's exactly why I created Feeling Freedom, a programme specifically for those affected by a loved one's addiction, and why I'm bringing this section, ‘I’m FINE!’ to my Substack.
There’s a joke that often gets bantered about in recovery-ville.
When you say:
‘I’m FINE’,
what you really mean is ‘I’m…
FINE
We don't really talk about feelings do we? So often we say we are 'fine'.
I always think it’s funny when I go to the doctors. There I am, at the doctors, clearly something is up and yet when the doctor asks me how I am as I walk through the door, I’ll reply with ‘I’m fine’.
I’m FINE!
A white lie we often tell ourselves and those around us.
What if we change the narrative?
Now, this isn’t a ‘poor me’ kind of missive, or a ‘f**k them’ or a ‘my addict’ kind of a place.
This is a place where we get to see how our own behaviours may be perpetuating our pain.
It’s also not a victim blaming place, if that’s where your mind has gone.
This is a place where we balance on the tight rope of acknowledging the harm caused to us AND how we may have caused harm (admittedly, often to ourselves, as well as to others.)
Because let's face it - that 'people pleasing' we're so good at?
It often involves telling white lies - which is dishonesty.
That 'hyper-vigilance'? It usually shows up as control.
That fear? It manifests as busy-ness and emotional unavailability.
All completely understandable given the circumstances AND... is that who you want to be - a dishonest, controlling, emotionally unavailable person?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
The process that we all need to go through when we are ‘doing the work’, whether we are the identified ‘addict’ or their loved one:
We stop our own particular way of medicating feelings
Pain hits - raw and seemingly hopeless (ouch, but also manageable with the right support)
We learn to witness and validate our hurt
We develop healthy boundaries
Our feelings become signposts to our true selves - our values, needs, and internalised shame
We begin accepting all parts of ourselves
Our nervous system settles, opening us to connection
Self-compassion grows
We start seeing others' processes with new eyes
We make conscious choices about what we want in our lives
With ‘I’m FINE’ I hope to give you insight, support, compassion, straight-talk and my professional (did I mention I have an MSc in Addiction Psychology and Counselling) and personal wisdom and expertise.
We're human beings doing our best to love someone while trying not to lose ourselves in the process.
If this resonates, you are oh so welcome.
And if you know someone else walking this path, share this space with them.
Because none of us should have to do this alone.
If you are already subscribed and would like to read this section too, then please click here your.substack.com/account and then scroll down to the notifications section and click on the toggle to switch that section ‘on’, as below.
Any questions, please message me.
That’s it for now,
‘Til next time!
Jacky ✨