'I always knew you were winners...
and today you won.'
My husband is a rugby coach in his spare time to my son’s rugby team of 16-18 year old young men. Last weekend I turned up at their league final just as the second half was kicking off. Our son’s team was 27-7 down and the team’s spectators were brutal; pointing out their faults, shaking their heads, muttering how the team ‘always’ did this at a final.
This team was down, but not out, and I thought about the sign above the door in Ted Lasso.
In this Apple TV show, Ted Lasso is a American college football coach brought in by the owner of Richmond football club to help them lose. I won’t share any spoilers here, but the takeaway from the show is that when we appreciate people as they are and accept their vulnerabilities a community of trust is created and then…
Back to the rugby field.
The team gathered pace.
TRY!
Conversion!
Some running, some rucking, some scrumming
TRY!
Conversion!
a lot more running and rucking and scrumming and tries…
And they won, 31-29.
Shirts flew, balls flew, cheers flew, kicking tees were flung in the air as the team ran towards each other and huddled into a manly hug of celebration. Arms around each other, my son and husband amongst the group, I heard my husband’s dulcet tones. ‘I alway knew you were winners, and today you won’.
I have spared you the expletives.
That sentence stuck with me over the weekend and I’ve thought about what was the nub of the emotion that my husband was communicating to that team in that moment.
Admiration.
Which happens to be the feeling for this week’s ‘Permission to feel.’
Brené Brown says,
‘we feel admiration when someone’s abilities accomplishments, or character inspires us.’
My husband communicated his admiration for that team with his words, not because they won, but because they showed so many strengths pre game and during the game to win: perspective, perseverance, team work and hope.
How often do we go underneath the surface to understand what it is about someone that we admire?
Admiration can easily turn into envy or jealousy if we have a strong comparison tape playing.
If we take some time to understand what strengths are being used that lead to the behaviours or accolades that we admire, then it may actually tell us more about ourselves.
Let me give you an example:
One of the poets I admire is Brian Bilston. He wrote a poem called Christmas without you is which I loved, and I wrote my own version in response:
A Christmas Without You is: A response to Brian Bilston
A turkey with no stuffing.
A puff pastry mince pie in need of puffing.
A mulled wine missing all the cloves.
A Rudolph reindeer with no red nose.
An elf on the shelf who’s not moved for days.
A present this year that was last year’s craze.
A nativity scene without the stable.
A vacant chair at the laden table.
A present you’ve wrapped with no sticky-backed plastic.
Christmas loungewear with no elastic.
An avocado with no prawn.
A Jennifer without a Dawn.
An Aled without a Snowman.
A cold steamed pudding without a saucepan.
A merrily on low.
A snowball, without the snow.
A buck’s fizz with no … fizz.
That’s what Christmas without you is.
One of the first things that we may do when we admire someone is imitate them. You know that old saying:
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
Bandura’s Social Learning Theory argues that much of human behaviour is learned through observing and imitating.
This happens in writing all the time, which can lead to plaigarism or parody. Or, it can be a path to finding more of your own style.
My poem is an ‘imitation’ of the wit, storytelling, observational humour and timeliness that Brian Bilston models in his writing. As I look to learn more about my own writing, I may use these themes to look up other writers to learn from, or focus on each of these themes when I write because they appeal to me.
Admiration can be so much more than an observation. It can be an opportunity to learn a bit more about the values that we hold dear, the strengths that we want to fortify for ourselves, or the style with which we want to lead a team or write a poem.
So I invite you to have a think about who you admire. What is it that you admire about them? How is it that they achieve those attributes? What is it about those attributes that are attractive to you? Do you want to have more of that in your life in some way? If so, how could you go about making that happen?
I’ll leave you with those thoughts this week. I’ll take a break for a couple of weeks over Easter, back with another ‘Permission to feel’ on 21st April. Don’t worry, I’ll freeze the paid subscriptions so you won’t be paying for the weeks when you don’t receive an email!
That’s it for now, ‘til next time!
Jacky x