Go where you are wanted, stay where you are seen
Notes from a recovering people pleaser
Do you ever override it? That little 'hulp' feeling in your stomach when something feels 'off'; when someone's words don't match up with their actions?
I know I used to. I used to put on my 'I'm fine!' denial smile. Tell myself that I must have misunderstood, or I'm just being too sensitive. Messages that I was spoon-fed in my childhood.
When I became aware of it, I oscillated the other way. I would SPEAK UP for myself in no uncertain terms. I couldn't just 'let it be'. Not yet. I needed to overcorrect in order to hear my own voice say ‘no’ out in the big world so that it could drown out, and then replace, the inner voice that told me 'don't talk'.
I lost quite a few relationships along the way. And you know what? That was necessary.
Recovery isn't about perfection. It's about integrating control and chaos. Learning what it feels like to be seen. I believe this has to be done in relationship - with a therapist, supportive friends, self-help communities. You can't do it alone, those patterns that were created in relationship need relationships to facilitate the rewiring of new patterns.
And then, after trial and error, something beautiful happens. A sense of self develops where you can hold yourself in those painful moments when you don't feel seen by others. Yes, it's important to speak up, but overcorrection can be as problematic as not speaking up at all.
Which has left me with this mantra: go where you are wanted, stay where you are seen.
Many people may 'want' us in their space.
But being seen?
That's different.
Being seen means someone recognises our truth even when we're not speaking it loudly. They notice when we're holding back, when we're tired, when we're shining.
They make space for all of it.
The relationships where you are truly seen are the ones to cherish and invest in. They're the ones where that little 'hulp' feeling in your stomach becomes a warm heavy hum of delight.
Where you don't have to constantly explain yourself or justify your existence. Where your voice matters not because you're shouting, but because they're actually listening.
Joy came to visit me today
It tapped at the window
As I sat inside with my friends
Sharing stories, drinking coffee.
I didn’t notice it land at my shoulder
And creep in, settling in my tummy.
A warm heavy hum of delight.
So now when that 'hulp' feeling comes, I pay attention. Sometimes it means speaking up, sometimes it means walking away.
But it always means honouring that inner voice that knows - really knows - when something isn't right.
Because at the end of the day, we all deserve to be not just wanted, but truly seen.
That’s it for now,
‘Til next time.
Jacky ✨