Estrangement as radical self-care

A guide for those who've chosen distance

This is for those who have made the difficult decision to separate themselves from family members, often referred to as ‘estrangement’.

Estrangement.

Photo by Josh Boot on Unsplash

It’s a horrible word, isn’t it? With the word ‘strange’ bang in the middle of it. Yet it’s not a strange concept at all.

A survey by StandAlone, found that 19% of people surveyed stated that either they themselves, or another family member were no-longer in contact.

This suggests that around 1 in 5 UK families will be touched by family estrangement and its consequences.

That means that around 12 million family members may be affected by estrangement.

And those affected by it are not only dealing with the abuse or trauma that lead to the estrangement, but also the shame, secrecy and misunderstanding that accompanies it, which can also be traumatising.

What would it take for you to estrange yourself from your family?

To actively choose to do something that is against our very wiring?

That lowers immune function, changes our brain activity and metabolism and is inconvenient, embarrassing, lonely and full of grief?

Surely we must be talking about a life threatening situation?

What on earth could have possibly gone on behind closed doors to make someone do such a rare, shameful act as reject their blood. Because as we all know, blood is thicker than water. 🫠

Let me ask:

• If you talk once a month are you estranged?

• If you talk once a month only about the weather, are you estranged?

• If you talk once a month only about the weather whilst you live 4000 miles away from each other, are you estranged?

• If you talk once a month only about the weather whilst you live 4000 miles away from each other and you can either take or leave the conversation are you estranged?

• If you talk once a month only about the weather whilst you live 4000 miles awayfrom each other and feel physically ill when you do talk to them, have back ache, a closed down throat for 3 days after, are you estranged?

• If you are thinking about taking out a non molestation order because, despite your consistent, persistent setting of boundaries they have tried to make contact with you, are you estranged?

Estrangement is on a spectrum with varying degrees of communication, distance, emotional investment and legal involvement.

There are 8 components that contribute to the estrangement continuum.

Kristina Scharp, a researcher in this area defines estrangement as:

“A communicative process of decreasing interdependence, where at least one family member voluntarily and intentionally distances themselves from another family member because of a negative relationship”

(Kristina Scharp, 2017)

Everyone has their own personal preferences of family involvement, so what one person may consider to be estrangement another may not.

The key question is what impact the relationship is having on the you from a psychological, emotional, financial and inter-relational point of view?

I want to direct the rest of this missive to those who have ‘chosen’ estrangement.

I wrote this for you.

Here are five essential strategies to help you navigate the challenges of family estrangement, particularly during the holiday season. These tools can provide comfort, clarity, and validation as you honour your decision to create distance.