Embracing paradox, the key to integrating our truth.

Permission to feel: paradoxical feelings.

Do you think that spiders have self help groups? Do you think somewhere in insect land they are sitting round bemoaning, ‘I create these beautiful yet super efficient works of art, stronger than steel, as fine as silk and STILL I am vilified. What do I have to DO to be loved in this world?’

When you see a spider on your kitchen floor

And shriek in disgust at its spindly scuttle,

Before you reach to 

Shove!

Brush!

Chuck !

Squish!

It out of your life.

Remember this:

There is beauty within.

We can’t have the spider’s web without the spider. We don’t get beauty without brutality - as Glennon Doyle says, we live in a brutiful world.

Paradoxical: having two seemingly opposing things, but you can’t have one without the other.

‘Paradox’, folks, is the feeling of the week. Granted, it’s a noun not a feeling, but call it poetic licence…

Feelings are highly paradoxical. It is rare that we feel just one feeling at a time. When we feel grief and despair, we most likely feel love and care too.

There is beauty in despair

For it speaks of a heart that loved so much,

Of an eye watering longing

For a delicate dream that was dared.

Yes look despair square on and say:

'It’s only because I cared.'

When we feel anger, you may find that hurt, frustration and fear are also in the mix.

Yet we try to shove, brush, chuck, squish some feelings away, don’t we? Typically, in many societies the cultural norm is for women to be encouraged away from feeling anger, whilst men’s admittance to feeling pain or fear can be met with dismissiveness and disbelief. This, of course, doesn’t even touch the surface of the nuances around the ‘right’ to feelings that gender fluidity brings to the discussion.

Let’s bring it more local though, forget about society. How about you?

• What feelings do you feel uncomfortable witnessing in other people?

• What part of you is upset by them feeling whatever they are feeling?

• Do you deny yourself from feeling that particular feeling?

• Do you deny yourself expressing it?

All important questions to reflect on.

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What do we do when we try to not feel our feelings?

We adapt.

This is something that we learn from childhood. We learn, through what is said and unsaid, what is accepted and rejected about us, to adapt certain parts of ourselves, hide others and amplify those parts which seem to be noticed, applauded, admired.

It’s not that these messages are even always said overtly, but we may take these messages on, simply through the reactions we received from other people about our feelings, behaviour or identity.

When we don’t have anywhere to check out these messages , when there is no place for us to say, ‘When you do that I feel like I’m not ok’ these adaptations over time become more ‘trait’ than ‘state’.

In fact, we then begin to take on certain roles within the family, or society at large. It’s how people become marginalised, not just in society, but within the family system. What plays out on the micro scale is reflected out on a macro level.

What if we chose to embrace and integrate all of those parts of ourselves? They are there anyway, playing out in self sabotage and other destructive behaviours.

What is the path to this integration? The answer lies in another paradox. As Brené Brown says, ‘Vulnerability is the first thing we look for in other people, and the last thing we want to show them about ourselves.’

To integrate those parts which have so long been left out in the wilderness, we have to expose them. The very opposite of what we think will help us. We have to reveal them to ourselves first of all. The other paradox is that we cannot do that alone, we need to do it through connection with someone who can hold our truth, validate our pain, reassure us that we don’t have to spin a web of lies or promises or tall tales. That we have a beauty within.

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With that in mind, I want to share a new development with you. I have mentioned it before, but I am putting together an online community called ‘Feeling Freedom’.

This could be such a wide net to cast as to who this community is for, but I am starting very specifically with those who have been impacted by a loved one’s addiction.

Addiction is a highly, although thankfully a decreasingly, stigmatised condition. I have been involved in the addiction recovery world for 13 years and whilst I see great strides in helping those with addiction, I think that the support and care for those who have been affected by a loved one’s addiction is scarce.

‘Feeling freedom’ is for those stuck in a cycle of frustration, who want a place to speak their truth, find support and solutions, to feel safe enough to come out of hiding from their half truths.

‘Feeling freedom’ is a programme where we will delve into topics such as trust, boundaries, healthy communication and codependency over 12 weeks , with the chance to stay in an online community that we will build together. 

If you are interested then you can message me and I’ll be able to share more one to one with you.

That’s it for now,

‘Til next time

Jacky x