Do You Want to Be Right, or Do You Want a Relationship?
Sometimes you have to step off the ledge to grow your own wings
For the last while I’ve felt disconnected. Ever since I finished the Permission to Feel series, which I LOVED writing on here, I haven’t quite found my rhythm. Rather than this being a space to excitedly explore, I have guiltily shown up, trying to proffer some purpose.
For reals.
I have noticed myself withdrawing more and more into myself. I have pretty much left Instagram and Facebook, no longer regularly or actively posting anything. I think that the news of Meta getting rid of fact checkers sent me over the edge. I’ve been left wrangling with reflecting on how social media influences me as a person.
I wish I was someone who could post on there happily and be delighted at the connections I make. However, I constantly have this sense of looking over my shoulder, trying to catch the puppeteers strings at my back. I watch how others are encouraged to share more and more of themselves in order to be relevant or radical and a part of me dies inside. I don’t want to commoditise my life.
And then the news that Trump’s administration was going to be monitoring social media accounts added to my discomfort.
So I decided to bow out for a bit… or a lot, I’m not sure.
Coming onto Substack to write felt like a great avenue for my own expression, yet that has soon morphed into another place to race for followers, subscribers and likes.
I am torn between ‘well, this is just the way life is now, kiddo’ and leading the rebellion.
When I studied for my Masters in Addiction Psychology and Counselling I specialised in social media addiction and attachment styles. I know the hacks they use to hijack our dopamine system, the way they play with intermittent reward to keep us hooked. I can recognise in myself when my anxious attachment style gets pinged. It’s hard to know what the right thing to do is.
I joined Amelia Hruby’s interweb group to join with fellow-minded folks… but then I’ve been too busy with other things to fully engage. Hell, if it’s not a quick scroll and takes my TIME that may be a step just too far right now 🤣.
Do you want to be right or do you want a relationship?
This phrase has been rattling around in my head this week. I think that the universe has invited me to ask this question to myself a lot this week.
The ‘right’ thing to do might be to stay on social media if I want to grow my business, widen the readership of my poetry. Sure, it’s also where we can grow many relationships - friendships, business associates.
It comes back to how it affects the most important relationship - the one with ourselves. The more we are distracted, the less we can be connected with ourselves. The less we are connected with ourselves, the less we can be present to those around us.
It always comes back to this. In any relationship, we need to ask the question: how does this impact my connection to myself? Does it provide a space for me to be my full self or do I have to compartmentalise, shrink and adapt?
Often when we are presented with this question, we may want to compromise. The relationship may not be a space for us to be our full selves, but the pain of cutting ties and stepping off that proverbial ledge into an unknown is too scary a prospect. We need to have the certainty of some kind of net or parachute.
Yet, what if the action of stepping off that ledge is the only way we will ever know how to grow our own wings? Sure, that can seem a little too arduous at first and is certainly likely to be painful (anyone remember that monkey in Wicked?) but when we work on growing our own wings, we don’t have to worry about whether someone will cut the net or if the parachute will open. We get to FLY, anywhere we want to!
I saw Lemn Sissay perform recently, and this idea remind me of this poem of his.
Having more time to connect with myself has helped to clarify a few things for me. I want to change how I write on here. In some way it’ll be the same, but in another way it’ll be slightly more… obvious.
The Therapeutic Poet - and beyond
As you more than likely know by now, my main work is working with those affected by addiction. There is so much prejudice and stigma wrapped up in addiction, but I see it differently. When people seek help for their addiction they are awakening to a different kind of consciousness. One that does not want to numb the discomfort; one that wants to go beyond and sees addiction as an invitation into full aliveness - ready to accept the pain with the passion.
I've just been tiptoeing around the edges, not fully owning all that I have learnt from years of personal development work alongside my professional training as an addiction specialist. The insights I share aren't just from textbooks or therapy rooms or theory - they're from witnessing how people transform their relationships when they learn the skills that recovery demands.
Poetry is brilliant for saying the unsaid, but I want to be clearer now about something I've observed: the people who thrive in recovery - whether from their own addiction or loving someone with addiction - develop relationship skills that serve them everywhere. Healthy communication, boundaries that actually work, emotional regulation that doesn't depend on others' behaviour - these aren't just recovery tools, they're life tools.
Whether you're navigating addiction in your family, supporting a loved one's recovery, or working on your own healing journey, the relationship skills you develop become your foundation for every connection you have - at work, with friends, in parenting, in partnerships.
I can’t yet set out what I will now definitively write on. I want to offer practical skills that transform how we connect, communicate, and care for ourselves and others. Some weeks we'll dive deep into addiction-specific dynamics like relational trauma, rescuing behaviours, and family patterns. Other weeks we'll explore how these same skills apply to workplace boundaries, friend conflicts, parenting challenges, and everyday relationship navigation. And yes, I’ll still pop in poems #sorrynotsorry
If this resonates, I'm excited to explore this path together. If not, I completely understand and wish you well.
What would you like to explore first? Hit reply and let me know what relationship challenge you're navigating right now - whether it's addiction-related or not. Your questions will help shape what I write about in the coming weeks.
That’s it for now,
‘Til next time,
Jacky ✨
Ps. If you like what I do, how about you give this a share and help spread the word!