Dealing with triggers at this time of year

The empty chair at the Christmas table, the tricky conversations that feel as fragile as a bomb, the expectations, the memories of times gone by.

This time of year can be especially tough; sometimes moments that should be celebratory are peppered with possible pitfalls.

Anything can be a trigger:

A Christmas Without You is:

A turkey with no stuffing.

A puff pastry mince pie in need of puffing.

A mulled wine missing all the cloves.

A Rudolph reindeer with no red nose.

An elf on the shelf who’s not moved for days.

A present this year that was last year’s craze.

A nativity scene without the stable.

A vacant chair at the laden table.

A present you’ve wrapped with no sticky-backed plastic.

Christmas loungewear with no elastic.

An avocado with no prawn.

A Jennifer without a Dawn.

An Aled without a Snowman.

A cold steamed pudding without a saucepan.

A merrily on low.

A snowball, without the snow.

A buck’s fizz with no … fizz.

That’s what Christmas without you is.

Photo by Erwan Hesry on Unsplash

Triggers are often highly personal and usually unpredictable,

and they often come without warning

However, I am not a fan of trigger warnings because:

1. They don’t work

2. They leave those who are triggered by other things that don’t have trigger warnings, feel more isolated and lonely for feeling triggered by something that doesn’t bother other people.

I needed a visual for this piece which could help portray the subject matter of triggers, but I didn’t want to trigger anyone, so I created this.

Get it?! 😂

Except, how am I to know whether such a picture doesn’t remind one of you about a tearful childhood memory when you lost your tigger toy (which had been gifted to you by your dear, now departed granny) at the airport when you were going back to boarding school at the age of 8…?

And would it be a trigger if you saw another Tigger, or just a reminder of a sad memory?

No wonder the issue of triggers can be so… triggering.

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Making sense of emotional triggers

You are not wrong to be triggered

When we are triggered we are most likely experiencing an emotional flashback.

A look from a friend, a way someone says something on the news, a conversation with a friend, someone offering sympathy, a therapist’s comment, the ping of a WhatsApp message. These are all possible external triggers.

We can also experience them internally: waking up in the morning and having a feeling of dread in your stomach, or recalling a sudden memory.

When we have an emotional flashback our brain is temporarily hijacked by the amygdala - the fight/flight alarm system. Suddenly, we are catapulted back into that vulnerable, unprotected state that you felt in childhood.

You may experience this as:

• Feeling small and wanting to shrink or withdraw

• Feeling intense raw shame, like you are walking around without your skin on

• A sense of acute panic

• Feeling unworthy, useless, or defective

• A deep resentment towards yourself and how you are affected by things.

• A sense of ‘going cold within’ (my personal go-to)

What I often hear from clients is:

• ‘It’s so ridiculous, it was just…’

• ‘Honestly, I don’t know why I am crying over…’

• ‘I feel so needy for feeling like this about…’

We often judge ourselves harshly for these feelings, not realising they stem from our body's natural instinct to protect us from threats. This self-judgment frequently originates from childhood experiences - either from actual criticism we received when expressing our emotions, or from situations where we felt it was unsafe to express them at all.

Those unexpressed emotions don’t disappear - they remained frozen within us, waiting to be released. During an emotional flashback, it's as if someone hits a play button, and our nervous system responds as though we're right back in that original moment of danger.

The threat feels entirely real in these moments, so we naturally try to avoid both the feelings and situations that trigger them. But this avoidance creates a start-stop pattern that's like repeatedly pressing play and pause. We end up trapped in cycles of heightened anxiety, never developing the resilience or resources needed to work through our triggers.

The very thing we try to avoid, we help to perpetuate.

In other words:

What you resist persists

Carl Jung

Just like in the Bear Hunt, you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it… you’ve got to go through it.

Triggers ultimately challenge our sense of safety, so it is vital that we take notice of them and use them in order to understand how we need to further support ourselves.

Your triggers are your teachers.

Notice them, know them and nurture yourself through them.

The steps that you can take to help you process your triggers

Photo by Tolu Olarewaju on Unsplash

1. Educate yourself. Just knowing that your reaction to a trigger is a totally typical human response can feel validating.

2. Look for ways to reassure yourself, ‘Yes this reminds you of something scary/makes you feel utterly alone, but right now in this moment, you are safe and well.’

3. Take yourself away and deep breathe, make sure your exhale is longer than your inhale.

4. Try some grounding exercises.

5. Do a round of EFT tapping to soothe yourself.

6. Check in on the intensity; if it is above a 5 reflect on the following:

   • Does something about this situation remind me of another event in my history?

   • Does this voice/message remind me of someone or something?

   • Does this trigger an old message or memory from my family of origin?

7. I often recommend Peter Walker’s 13 steps to manage emotional flashbacks to my clients.

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We have no control over when or how we may be triggered a lot of the time. Yes we can and should work towards protecting ourselves from situations which prompt emotional flashbacks, absolutely. But also building a toolkit for when you are triggered, rather than if, is a good starting point in anyone’s healing journey.

This week I got triggered - this is what happened and how I handled it…