Becoming Your Own Loving Parent: A Path to Emotional Healing

Happy Mother's Day to those celebrating in the UK this weekend.

But oooh, can't it be a tricky one for:

Those who loved their mothers, but their mothers have passed away.

Those who do not love their mothers, but their mothers are still around.

Those who wanted to be mothers, but aren't.

Those who did not want to be mothers, but are.

Those who did not want to be mothers and aren't, but are frequently asked about their choices.

Those who are estranged from their mothers due to complicated relationships.

Those who were raised by other female relatives and feel conflicted about how to celebrate.

Those grieving a child who has passed away, or who is not psychologically or physically present in some way.

Those with mothers suffering from dementia or illness who no longer recognise them.

Those who never knew their mothers.

Those who have only fathers.

Those who have strained relationships with their children.

Those navigating their first Mother's Day after divorce or separation.

Regardless of our mother story, we have the opportunity to reparent ourselves.

The Essentials of Self-Parenting

The idea of reparenting yourself may make you shudder. Perhaps this is because it's uncomfortable to acknowledge and accept that you have needs. Often, when some of our needs weren't met in childhood, we want to hide them away and deny that vulnerability.

This is natural. As children, it's more successful to adapt and hide parts of ourselves that are unacceptable to our parents than to challenge our situation. We lack the power, and trying might lead to being scapegoated or shunned through ridicule, mockery, or anger.

Who would want that?

What if you had the chance of a do-over? What if rather than shuddering at the idea, you got curious about how it would feel to find ways to protect, nurture, support, and guide yourself?

Many people struggle with admitting they need this. "I don't want to blame my mother," they cry. "She did the best she could." That's all good and well, but if you're still stuck, protecting your mother this way may not be helping.

It's okay—necessary for healing—to admit that at times, even with the best intentions, our mothers didn't meet our needs in the way we needed.

Sure, look what I ended up writing after a walk in the woods with my kids years ago:

I’m screaming like a banshee at the hill top on our walk.

I brought my sons along - you know, to bond and share and talk.

One asked a simple question and stated what he’d like.

My ‘not good enough’ bruise impaled by this guiltless probing spike.

I vented my frustration at my ‘demanding child’,

for all my inner calm fucked off - I was left scared, raw and wild.

My observer stood out to the side ‘Get a grip girl, take a breath’.

I saw my son’s hurting sorrow and kind of felt like death.

‘What’s going on?’ I ask my mind. I haven’t go a clue!

In vivo parenting myself (with kids) is hard to do.

“I just want to please you mum" he says through broken tears.

‘You’re failing him if that’s his goal’ my inner critic interferes.

Sometimes I’m messy, and imperfect as a mum,

acting out my fearful child on my bewildered loving son.

“I don’t have any answers now - just know my tantrum here

is not to do with you, my love, but an age old triggered fear.”

We can all mess up as parents. It's part of being human. When my kids share how I've upset them or failed to parent them as needed, it's actually helpful.

We are allowed to recognise that as adults, we can provide ourselves with the emotional care we may have missed.

The core of becoming your own loving parent involves four essential elements:

1. Protection: Establishing healthy boundaries both internally and externally

2. Nurturing: Developing compassionate self-awareness and emotional regulation

3. Support: Celebrating your strengths while embracing imperfection

4. Guidance: Challenging limiting beliefs and developing healthier patterns.

Photo by guille pozzi on Unsplash

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