A pity pause, not a pity party.
I'm back. Hurrah. The ear operation went well, I had momentary crystal clear hearing before the surgeon packed my ear with wadding... more to be revealed next week after I have had the wadding removed.
A friend asked me this week, 'How are you feeling?' and then followed that up with,
'Hope you don't mind me asking.'
'Why would I mind?' I asked.
'Sometimes people don't like to 'go on' about things'.
'Ooooooh no', I replied, 'I love a bit of 'poor me'!' I joked.
And to be honest, every now and then, I do, but not excessively.
And not guiltily.
Just... appropriately.
Because that's the thing with feeling your feelings - something happens, you have a feeling, you notice it, accept it, process it and... move on.
A pity pause, if you will, but no pity party.
For if we don't move through this, we can tip the balance into 'Poooooooooor meeeeeeee' or 'Shush, I don't like to go on about things.'
Martyr or hero.
Self Pity or Pretty Gritty.
Sorry, that was a bad rhyme, I'm clearly not quite back on form.
ALL to say folks, that the feeling of the week this week is pity.
Pity is a slimy emotion if you ask me. No one wants to feel as if anyone is pitying them, because behind it is a sense of superiority from the one who is handing out the pity.
In her book Atlas of the Heart Brene Brown states that there are 4 elements involved in pity:
A belief that the person suffering is inferior.
A passive, self-focused reaction that doesn’t include providing help.
A desire to maintain emotional distance.
An avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering.
So whilst I'm ALL for permission to feel our feelings, I would urgently encourage you to get curious if you start feeling ongoing self-pity or if you find yourself muttering, 'Poor so and so' in a regular manner.
For self-pity can be a symptom of learned helplessness and we do need to take action to move through that. And if you find yourself having a sense of superiority towards others then, you're busted bingo, as this is quite likely to be a defence mechanism against a vulnerable part of you.
But let's not get too down on ourselves, because no doubt we all at times can have bouts of self-pity or a sense of superiority because we can all be slippery little suckers like that.
And I just want to share a little vignette of a moment with you about the consequences of feeling pity towards someone.
Let's do it with a poem shall we? This is based on a true story, I'll let the poem do the talking...
The car is in the garage,
So I take the bus instead.
Sit next to an older lady,
Who shares the rancours in her head.
‘She told me, “I won’t care for you”’.
‘How dare she!’ she spittles out.
I slowly catch up on the scene
That she’s going on about.
A ‘community volunteer’;
Dressed up for ‘work’s’ summer outing,
But she’s left at the bus stop,
Indignant, hurt and pouting.
The, “I won’t care for you”
Was from her boss, about the day.
The rest of them now on the trip,
Tens of miles away.
“Sounds like it was pretty hurtful.”
I attempt to offer up.
Then…
Plip.
Plippity.
Plip, plippity, plop.
The tears well up and cascade down
Her weather worn ruddy cheeks.
“It really is” she sniffles,
"I’d been planning it for weeks”.
This gentle lady at the bus stop was clearly part of some community support scheme, who needed extra care and attention. I wonder if this woman's 'boss' only saw her through a lens of pity and lost touch with her compassion and empathy for her.
I don't have a fix to suggest for this situation, which tells you just how God awful pity is, because I often have some little gold at the end of a feeling rainbow for you...
In other news...
My Feeling Freedom Community (for those who love someone with an addiction) is up an running.
A little snippet of the content you can find there:
Playlists and poems for when you are feeling angry or sad or scared or small.
Inspirational phone wallpapers you can download (written by moi).
A section called Addiction 101 giving you the low down on everything you need to know about addiction.
Scripts for tricky conversations.
EFT Tapping videos to help calm you after tense situations.
And that's just in the resources section!
That's not even to mention the 90 minute weekly call and exercises to move you from isolated, dysregulated and medicated (on people pleasing) to validated, valued and vibrant.
If you are like, 'Just beam me up now Scotty' then hit reply and send me a message and I'll hot foot the sign up details to you.