A gathering in, a reclamation.
It took a month.
It took a month to be able to feel like I had something to come back and say to you.
It started as a blip. A car crashed into the hub that housed the wires which fed us WiFi, so internet was off the cards for a while and even data coverage was patchy, so it was harder to get online. That explanation was a bit like 'the knee bone connected to the thigh bone' song wasn't it?!
Anyway, the outage served as an easy excuse not to send a missive. Not that it has ever felt like a burden to write these, but the truth was, the WiFi disconnect happened at a time when I had a real internal disconnect going on too. It was a bit of a pathetic fallacy.
It's been a tough few months. As a therapist, even with supervision and a good network of people around you, there can be times when things layer up and grief, frustration, and fear all come crashing in in relentless waves. When I looked inwards to try and gather what I wanted to share, honestly, it felt like a bit of a wasteland.
Wasteland
I remember the promise of spring's shoots;
The certainty of green hills to fill my view
When meadows burst with life - all anew.
I remember the promise of bird song;
Their young feasting on fattened worms:
The unconscious way life was affirmed.
I remember the promise of each new dawn;
The pregnant moment before sunrise
When I looked at the world with open eyes.
But then, the storm blew in and ravaged land -
All promise snuffed.
Each inhale, not quite enough.
I felt guilty for not being consistent, but also knowing that I needed to let myself off the hook.
Maybe you enjoyed the peace!
Whenever I feel guilty, I get curious about my values.
My values are courage, inspiration, humour, creativity and trustworthiness. When I felt guilty about disappearing, I needed to check in with myself about what trustworthiness actually meant to me.
It doesn't feel very trustworthy, does it, to have someone consistently show up and then... not, without explanation? But would it have been more trustworthy to show up and 'perform'? Sometimes, even when we value authenticity, we are not in a place to be able to put into words what is going on for us, to explain our actions.
It takes courage to truly step away from something, knowing you may be misunderstood or (both good and bad) no one will notice. Not writing a missive for a few weeks is not a big deal ultimately, but that fear of being judged for our actions or inactions is something I imagine we can all resonate with.
Especially now.
It feels like the world is shouting at each other, accusing each other of too much or not enough action.
Sometimes that trustworthiness needs to be pointed inwards. We need to trust ourselves that we will handle the consequences of needing to take care of ourselves first. Even if that means that we risk being misunderstood, or being disappointing to others, or not good enough.
Maybe that's ok.
Let’s agree to disagree
About what you think is best for me
That ‘life’s too short to bear a grudge’
And I’m ‘too stubborn’ and just ‘won’t budge’
But what you see as insubordination
Is a gathering in, a reclamation
Of my worth, my power, my sovereignty
Where I know and do what’s right for me.
That so called grudge is my boundary
That stubbornness my integrity
So whilst I hear you disagree with me,
Let’s agree to disagree.
So I began the slow work of rebuilding. I took time to reconnect back to myself. To read others' words for solace - Andrea Gibson reminding me that 'committing to loving yourself completely is the most radical thing you will do' - a helpful confirmation that all change begins with how we treat ourselves first of all.
To be reminded that even amongst so much loss, hope can still bloom.
I needed space to figure out how I want to be in a world that demands performance, when I am wholly committed to living a life where the only place I perform is on a stage, when people have paid to come and see me, and we both know where my performance begins and ends.
I needed to shrink away from the interactions with people who were so keen to take a picture of the moment, not for posterity, but for social currency so that they had something to say on social media.
I needed to figure out how I wanted to support and show solidarity with those suffering in the world in a way which was not a knee jerk performative reaction to the rallying cries of 'silence is violence' or 'silence is compliance' and think about what I could actually do that might make some fundamental fluttering of change. That led me to offer some of the poetry I have written to @gazacreativeallies.
I did more yoga to soften my mind, build my inner scaffolding and strengthen my body, listened to the teaching of Sadhguru. Walked mountain paths and freewheeled with my family.
Whilst this kind of space often feels a bit uncomfortable, there's also a great relief in how true it feels.
I'd love to encourage you to ask yourself, what small change can you make today that will help you feel more aligned with your values?
Yet whilst I haven't been creating here, I have, as ever, been working on things behind the scenes and have a few things to share.
My course 'Awakening to Presence' is available.
This is what a recent participant shared (giving it a 5/5 review):
'Truly thank you for igniting my love and desire for every day poetry creating more presence and awareness about the gifts in the day to day life.'
If you'd like some prompts to help you have more of an inward journey it can help with that.
I am also talking with activist Sophie Olson on 30th September at 12pm on the power of creative expression in the healing process.
Some extremely exciting news is that I am heading to Nashville in October to speak at Story 2025. I'm delighted to attend this event and learn from so many other wonderful storytellers. I'll be using my poetry (obvs) to explore how our unconscious drive for protection keeps us from the very thing that will help us feel ok and progress - connection.
And then later that month I shall be performing in Dorking on 25th October with 'Finding your footing in a wobbly world' at Pippbrook House (not yet for sale!)
If you live in and around Dorking and fancy a bit of poetry play, then please come to the poetry hub on Mondays 10-12 at Dorking library. It's on every fortnight and we'll be meeting this Monday 18th August. It would be lovely to connect with you there, in a playful place.
Yes, you'll note that this is majorly skewed towards my poetry work rather than therapy, but then, poetry is therapy!
That’s it for now,
‘Til next time
Jacky ✨