5 steps to save your relationship
Taming the monster of contempt.
The number one predictor of divorce is our feeling that we’ll be exploring in this missive.
But let’s start with a poem to get into how this feeling feels.
Monster, monstrous, monotonous monstrousness.
Trapped trolls twisting tyrannical tunes.
“Your rancour, my ichor, you poor maligned miscreants.
Looking for your love in an online commune.
‘Like me, love me, follow me, JUST LOOK AT ME!’
Impoverished, catfished, you pathetically importune.
I’ll ruin you, flatten you, do all I can to shatter you.
’Til by my touch, you’re nothing much, just a piteous picayune.”
Yeah, that’d do it to ruin a relationship.
Have you guessed the feeling?
This week, we are exploring contempt.
A crystallisation of anger that has entrenched into moments of attack, insult and oneupmanship.
Contempt involves the intention to insult and cause hurt, as well as a negative perception of the other person or group, and a lack of respect and humility.
What kind words might you find yourself uttering if you are feeling contempt?
‘Pathetic’,
‘You need to grow up’,
‘You’re a joke’,
‘That’s laughable coming from you’,
‘You must be kidding me’.
There may well be valid reasons why you feel contemptuous towards another person, but do you really want to be the kind of person that behaves as I’ve described?
No, of course you don’t. Look at your adorable dimples, and infectious smile, how could YOU ever WANT to be contemptuous?
Five steps to move out of contempt
1. The first thing is to be aware that you sloping down into the cancel culture of contempt.
You may catch yourself getting a little adrenaline hit of power when you speak to someone or think about someone in this way. Noticing that that is going on will help you to step back into behaving as the kind of person you want to be.
2. Set yourself some ground rules on how you are going to behave in a relationship.
In the 12 step fellowship Recovering Couples Anonymous they have a ‘Creating Healthy Agreements’ book.
I recommend this to clients all the time.
The first agreement within that book is a communication agreement to engender a sense of safety with the relationship.
Some elements of the agreement are:
‘We agree to avoid button-pushing statements
We agree to listen and not interrupt our partner
We will treat our partner as an equal in the relationship.’
As obvious as they may seem, they can be difficult to adhere to in the heat of the moment. Setting up a common agreement helps you to stay focussed on your commitment to the relationship rather than lose yourself in a tug of war of ‘rightness’
3. If you find yourself tempted to act with contempt know that you need to step away. Give yourself a time out, something like ‘I’m not feeling great right now, I need to take some time out from this and I’ll be back to discuss this (insert time).’
4. Step back and think about what feelings might be underneath the contempt - a sense of hopelessness, frustration, anger or vulnerability perhaps.
You can then spend time working through what you need to change about yourself or your situation.
5. Practice appreciation for the other person.
I know, I know, but I promise you it works! After 20 years of marriage there have been one or two moments (*ahem) where I have felt contempt.
When I find myself thinking or saying ‘Why can’t you…’ I now swap it to ‘Ah, love you!’.
This is what is known in positive psychology as practicing loving kindness!
What we resist persists and I find that when I meet those irritating moments with ‘Ah, love you’ the tension goes, we have a laugh, he realises I was right all along, changes his behaviour and we go back to skipping through the daises.
Okay, that last sentence got a tad untruthful part way through, but try it, because who wants to end up like the contemptuous troll in my poem?
Look at that, you’ve now got a 5 step plan for dealing with contempt.
If you give it a go, let me know how you get on.
That’s it for now,
’Til next time.
Jacky ✨